New research suggests long-term romance is possible and deeply satisfying.
Oh sure, being crazy in love might be fine for Beyonce, but what happens 15 years down the road? Are you condemned to spend your Friday nights on the couch watching television while your husband tries to clean out his left ear with the tiny plastic arm of a wrestling figurine belonging to your youngest son? In other words, does romance always die?
Not according to a recent study published in the March issue of Review of General Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association. Lead researcher Dr. Bianca P. Acevedo, then at Stony Brook University (currently at University of California, Santa Barbara), says that the study challenges the belief that romantic love generally fizzles and is replaced by companionship love if things are going well in the relationship. “When taking a closer look, it seems like some people were still very much in love. They just weren’t crazy.”
Acevedo says that people often erroneously believe that romantic love and passionate love are the same. “Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component.” She adds that passionate or obsessive love helps drive shorter relationships but not longer ones.
Acevedo and co-researcher Dr. Arthur Aron reviewed 25 studies with 6,070 individuals in short-and long-term relationships, classifying the relationships in each of the studies as romantic, passionate (romantic with obsession) or friendship-like love and categorized them as long-or short-term. Unsurprisingly, those who reported greater romantic love were more satisfied in their long-term relationships than those who classified their love as companion-like.
Aron says that the romance kept alive by these long-term couples is in some ways even better than the maddening love at the beginning of a relationship. “When people first fall in love we also have this mania component that comes with a lot of anxiety and concern and fear,” he says. “If the person’s out of your sight for five minutes, are they dead or have they found someone else? In a long-term relationship, those who are able to experience intense love not only get the benefit of being intensely in love but they’re comfortable and confident and they don’t have to be afraid. If you’re with someone for 10 or 20 years, you know they’re going to be there tomorrow.”
Maggie Scarf, author of September Songs, a book about couples between the ages of 50 and 75, says that even when romance fades during the child-rearing years, it can be rekindled. “Sometimes people have gotten into the companionship mode because they’re so busy negotiating with their kids and things that are happening in daily life with the family — which, let’s face it, are generally not very romantic,” she says. “As the kids peel off to lives of their own, it’s not that you’re not involved with them and their families, it’s that you have more time to re-find each other and that old intimacy.”
So how can a couple increase their odds for longterm romance? Aron says that’s “the $64,000 question” and he is appealing for funding to study just that. But he acknowledges five generally accepted factors for successful coupling: first, a lack of stressful external factors, such as living in a war zone, being poor, being discriminated against, or having a child die; second, neither party being highly anxious or depressed; third, good communication skills, and the ability to resolve conflicts and support each other; fourth, doing novel, challenging, exciting things together on a regular basis; and fifth, capitalizing on the other’s successes. Aron points to the last factor as particularly important. “If your partner has a success and you can celebrate it with them, that is an unmitigated positive thing for a relationship. Many people just say, ‘Oh, that’s nice,’ and go on with their business.”
Scarf adds that relationships that began in a throbbing burst of flames might have a better chance at locating a spark 20 years on. “If you can look back, as I can to a particularly romantic moment with my husband where we kissed each other in a pine forest and the world spun on its axis, that’s great,” she says. “But not everyone has that. Some people got married because it seemed like the right time.”
This recent study may change people’s expectations of what they want in longterm relationships, according to Acevedo, with companionship love, which is what many couples see as the natural progression of a successful relationship, coming to be seen as an unnecessary compromise.
“Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings,” Acevedo says. “For some people, stagnation might be a desirable state, but it doesn’t have to be that way. And couples who have been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion.”
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